I have a Jersey Shore problem

I’m 33-years old. Not only did I graduate from a Big 10 university (not a particularly good one), I have a masters degree. I’ve got a decent paying job. To put it bluntly, I’m not retarded.

So why am I hooked on the Jersey Shore?

Everyone knows the concept. There are 8 characters who in any other situation would be a complete vapid waste of air. However, thanks to MTV, we know the following people:

  • Angelina: lying, cheating, disgusting whore
  • J-Woww: whore with fake boobs (I’m not sure, but I think her name may need to be completely capitalized, so it’s actually “J-WOWW”)
  • Snooki: orange whore
  • Sammi: loyal dumbass
  • Mike “The Situation”: douchebag who gave either himself or his abs a nickname. You don’t give yourself a nickname.
  • Paulie D: douchebag who takes 25 minutes to do his hair
  • Ronnie: short, cheating douchebag (although I must admit I did like his “One Shot Bro!” line after dropping a guy with one punch)
  • Vinne: space-filling douchebag

Sense a pattern here?

Look, I’m not going to go into some long diatribe about the stereotypical offensiveness of the show. I find it entertaining as hell, probably because I’m able to look at this show and say, “Wow, these people are complete wastes of space.” They’re never going to contribute anything of worth to this planet, including this show. The show reminds me of the line from Billy Madison: “Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.”

But two things in the past month have left me scarred and it’s directly related to the show.

Around Labor Day, my friends and I went to Arts, Beats & Eats. Toward the end of the night I noticed a group of people showing off their skills with a hula hoop. One of the guys looked like Vinnie from the show. I was about to make a joke about him looking like The Situation, because he’s the one guy who’s become known by name alone. However, I realized that it wasn’t actually The Situation that he looked like. Joke killed.

Mind you, the people who would have heard wouldn’t be caught dead watching the Jersey Shore. But I felt some sort of responsibility to the show to be accurate.

Fuck all.

Then a week ago I was out of town and waiting for another show to start and I caught the end of Dancing With the Stars. They were at the point where people were getting voted off the show, and it was down to Michael Bolton and The Situation (which shows you how ridiculous our country has gotten that this white trash guido has become a contestant on the biggest show in the country).

I found myself hoping that The Situation stuck around.

This show’s destroying me.

And now, as George Carlin once said, “I have no ending for this, so I’ll move on and take a small bow.”

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One comment

  1. Wow, I had no idea you were so hooked on that show. Has my opinion of you gone down? Maybe a little, but I'll admit to liking some bad things… my guilty pleasures include Alanis Morisette and Bjork. And that's just musically! I like all sorts of bad tv shows and movies. Sometimes things are so bad that they're actually good. I don't think that applies to Jersey Shore, which is why I have never, nor will I ever, watch it. Then again, I have an innate hatred for most reality tv, so my perspective is skewed…

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