Facebook sucks.

For the life of me I can’t remember why I signed up for this monstrosity of a website. Probably to look for an old girlfriend who didn’t want to have anything to do with me anyway. Eventually I started adding family members I’d seen twice in 15 years and insisted people cared about how much they love the new Wii Fit and high school people I didn’t talk to in high school who had back and forth conversations on their status updates.

I, on the other hand, have never updated my status at all. If I did, it would probably say something like, “I don’t give a fuck what you or your family are doing!”

Now, lately there have been all sorts of stories coming out about people adding co-workers on Facebook. Let me tell you something people…never fucking do it.

Ever.

Seriously.

I mean it.

A woman I work with added me as a friend, or I added her, it doesn’t really matter. Turns out she went insane and told me to never speak to her after I asked her to not open my mail (fairly reasonable request, I think). Guess what happened? We’re not friends on Facebook anymore.

No one bitched and moaned about it. Then again, you have to speak to bitch and moan.

Then you have issues like The Kid.

The Kid is a story in and of himself, but The Kid is a Facebook nut. In fact, his first day he worked with us, he came to me with an absolutely ridiculous rumor about the company we worked for and later admitted it wasn’t so much a rumor as comments people on Facebook had sent him when they found he had come to our company.

I should’ve known then. But I didn’t. Cuz I’m an idiot.

Well, a few weeks back I went through and did a gigantic purge. Mostly this was people whose status updates annoyed the hell out of me AND I didn’t care about (I’ve got plenty of people whose status updates annoy me, but I would like to keep informed about them, so I kept them on…the lucky bastards). This could be the aforementioned high school people, people on message boards who turned out to be right wing fascists (we’ll get to that one eventually too), women I’ve been trying to bang – unsuccessfully, etc. Or The Kid.

The Kid left stupid song lyrics as status updates. Look dude, you’re a rich kid from Plymouth, Eminem is not speaking to you. He left status updates like, “It’s a shame that some people mistake kindness for weakness.” Which is true, but knowing you, one of your great weaknesses is that you’re too kind. He left status updates like, “Join 1,000,000 Men Against Gay Marriage or Abortion or Stem Cell Research.”

So he got the ax.

At some point The Kid is going to merit his own blog post, because he’s done a fair amount of stupid stuff. But to give you an idea of what this guy is all about, he ordered three dozen roses for a woman he took to see Rascal Flatts.

After their first date.

Then never heard from her.

And moped about it at work for a week.

Here’s my policy: You buy a dozen roses for every woman outside of your relationship you’ve slept with.

Which might explain why I’m through an Obama-era dry spell.

Now, getting back to Facebook, The Kid pestered my coworker for a week asking why I had unfriended him. We don’t hang out, we don’t borrow CD’s or DVD’s, we aren’t friends. Period. But apparently my unfriending him had cut him deep.

So folks, just trust me on this one. If someone isn’t your friend, don’t add them as a friend. Especially if you have to deal with them on a daily basis.

Or better yet, don’t join Facebook at all.

Because Facebook sucks.