Playoff Time

Well, this is a bit late, but I wanted to mimic Deadspin’s somewhat traditional “Haters Guide to the Playoffs” and give you my reasons why I hate every team in the playoffs, both NBA and NHL (except one, obviously). Off we go.

NHL

Eastern Conference

1. Washington Capitals: Alexander Ovechkin is ugly. Plus Pavel Datsyuk is better. And when I was in college and we were celebrating my 21st birthday the Red Wings came back from a 2-goal deficit in the 3rd period to win game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Unfortunately I was blindingly drunk at that point and I missed it.

2. Philadelphia Flyers: They’re from Philly, isn’t that enough? Also, Eric Lindros was a bitch.

3. Boston Bruins: They’re from Boston. Really, there are a lot of places I hate. Also, Bill Simmons is the most fair weather fan and decided to start watching hockey when the Bruins got good. I should hate this team more than I do.

4. Pittsburgh Penguins: Game 7 of the 2009 Stanley Cup Finals. Sidney Crosby. Evgeni Malkin. Matt Cooke. My step-brother-in-law likes them and I don’t like him. Really, I can see no redeeming qualities for this team.

5. Tampa Bay Lightning: There shouldn’t be hockey teams in Florida (this will become a recurring theme).

6. Montreal Canadiens: They literally started a riot over a player’s suspension (although the commissioner may have provoked it) and as a result Quebec wants to secede. This isn’t a joke. A major reason Quebec wants to secede is because of a hockey game. They may take sports a bit too seriously. Also, French is their first language.

7. Buffalo Sabres: A tricky one, since their goalie is a Michigan State alum. I’ll go with the banana slug uniforms (mercifully retired).

8. New York Rangers: Gave us the insufferable crap of Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins when the Rangers won the Cup in 1994. When the Red Wings broke their Cup drought in 1997, you know who we shoved down people’s throats? Steve Yzerman and Sergei Federov. Plus, they’re from New York (see Flyers and Bruins).

Western Conference

1. Vancouver Canucks: Their team is named after an ethnic slur (one I like to use, but still). Also, they renamed their arena from GM Centre to Canada Hockey Centre or some such bullshit during the Olympics. And their losing the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals subjected us to Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (see Rangers).

2. San Jose Sharks: Their primary color is teal. And they knocked the Red Wings out of the playoffs in 1994 and 2010. But still, their primary color is teal.

3. Detroit Red Wings: There is nothing not to like about the Red Wings. They are the finest organization in professional sports and their players cure cancer in their free time. Also, it’s been scientifically proven that all warring factions throughout the world stop fighting during Red Wings games (source needed).

(True story: A friend of mine works in IT for the Ilitch Companies, who own the Red Wings, as if you didn’t know this. Apparently Wings’ coach Mike Babcock was a bit of an asshole when my friend set up his Blackberry. My friend dubbed him Mike Badcock. I suggested he come up with a moniker that didn’t imply that he was familiar with the Wings’ coach’s cock.)

4. Anaheim Ducks: A) They’re named the Ducks, which is only slightly better than their original name, the Mighty Ducks. 2) They were literally borne by the Disney corporation after they released a movie about a ragtag pee wee hockey team. D) They eliminated the Red Wings in the 2003 and 2007 playoffs.

5. Nashville Predators: There shouldn’t be a hockey team in Nashville (see Lightning). Also, they traded for a dude so he could live closer to his wife, who happened to be Carrie Underwood. Also, they bitched about the residue from the octopi at Joe Louis Arena to the point where Gary Bettman has taken the cock out of his mouth long enough to deem it to be a violation for Detroit’s fans (tradition means nothing to this fuck).

6. Phoenix Coyotes: There shouldn’t be a hockey team in Phoenix (see Lightning and Predators). But the Coyotes are infinitely worse because they stole their team from Canada (the Avalanche fall under this rule too, but they suck, so we’re not talking about them). And after 15 years of doing dick in Phoenix (they’ve never won a playoff series), they’re probably going right back where they started in Winnipeg.

7. Los Angeles Kings: They single-handedly ruined hockey by trading for Wayne Gretzky. When the Kings became relevant (which had zero to do with them being a good hockey team and everything to do with them having the best player in history on their team), the NHL owners decided that places like Carolina, Nashville, Atlanta, Miami and Phoenix needed hockey teams. Seriously, fuck this team.

8. Chicago Blackhawks. They’re from Chicago (see Flyers, Bruins, Rangers). And they’re the reigning Stanley Cup champs. It’s ok to be the reigning Stanley Cup champs if you’re the Red Wings. Otherwise I hate you.

NBA

(It must be noted that since the Pistons aren’t relevant I generally don’t care about the NBA. But I’m a miserable person and I figured it would be a challenge to come up with a reason to hate every team in the playoffs when I watched basically one basketball game all year.)

Eastern Conference

1. Chicago Bulls: Scottie Pippen is a bitch. Also, they were complaining about the Pistons walking off the court without handshakes 20 years after the fact. And they ended the Bad Boys’ reign. Really unlikable.

2. Miami Heat: Seriously? Um, ok, two words: The Fucking Decision (ok, that’s 3 words, but I really felt the “Fucking” was necessary).

3. Boston Celtics: Robert Parish once punch Bill Laimbeer in a playoff game and didn’t get ejected. I admit that Laimbeer was a prick and this is an awesome turn of events in light of David Stern’s present-day running of the league as if he was a plantation owner, but it happened against my team so it sucks. Also, Bill Simmons and his incessant, “If Len Bias hadn’t OD’d we probably don’t have the Bad Boys era,” crap. Well then maybe you shouldn’t have drafted a guy who liked cocaine, dumbass.

4. Orlando Magic: I refuse to root for a team coached by the world’s ugliest porn star.

5. Atlanta Hawks: You know who doesn’t care about the Atlanta Hawks? People in Atlanta.

6. New York Knicks: The Knicks style of play in the mid-’90s was unfairly lumped in with the Bad Boys Pistons and deemed to be the death of the game. You know what was the difference between those Pistons and Knicks teams? The Pistons had…what’s that word? Oh yeah, talent. Also, they’re from New York.

7. Philadelphia 76ers: They’re coached by Doug Collins. Doug Collins has coached a ton of teams and kept getting jobs and has literally done nothing. He’s the NBA’s version of Dave Wanstedt.

8. Indiana Pacers: Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson and the Malice at the Palace (I don’t care if it was mostly Ben Wallace’s fault).

Western Conference

1. San Antonio Spurs: 2005 NBA Finals. Victimized by Fresh Prince Robert Horry.

2. Los Angeles Lakers: 1988 NBA Finals. Amazing how the NBA Finals can end with the home team’s fans on the court and a guy attempting a tying 3-pointer getting mugged. Also, they’re the Lakers. And Kobe Bryant. I don’t care if he didn’t rape the girl, he’s just an asshole.

3. Dallas Mavericks: Hmm, an interesting one. I generally don’t have any problem with the Mavericks. In fact I like Mark Cuban. But their fans are from Dallas, and Dallas people suck.

4. Oklahoma City Thunder: They stole a team from Seattle. Also, they came up with the most boring name, colors and uniforms in the history of sports.

5. Denver Nuggets: Subjected the Pistons to the disastrous Allen Iverson era (although it did give us entertaining stories like Iverson getting banned from a local casino).

6. Portland Trail Blazers: Melted down during Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference finals and gave us the Lakers 3-peat a year early. Also, people in Oregon are a bunch of tree-hugging hippie douches.

7. New Orleans Hornets: I’m stumped. I have nothing against this team. I really don’t care. And to top it off they’re playing the Lakers. If they don’t beat the Lakers I’ll hate them.

8. Memphis Grizzlies: Moved from Vancouver and didn’t change their name. Seriously, the Memphis Grizzlies? Grizzly bears are found in Alaska, Canada, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming and Washington. So, y’know, right next to Memphis.

So there you have it folks. Why I hate all 32 teams in the NBA and NHL playoffs. Other than the Hornets. And the Red Wings. Whose tears cure all STD’s.

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