Anyone who knows me knows that while I have fairly decent taste in music, I’ve also got an odd affinity for the pop princesses. There was a time when I had everything by Britney, listened to Christina Aguilera and wanted to bang the shit out of Jessica Simpson (in fact, I still want to bang the shit out of Jessica Simpson, possibly because she got fat and started wearing mom jeans, which means she’s moderately more attainable for me).

The thing is, I have a sense of humor about it. You can’t be a straight 33-year-old man who loves U2, Jay-Z, Eminem, The Beatles and Dave Matthews Band who loves the pop girls and not be able to make fun of yourself. Like I like to say, funny’s funny. So I wanted to give you my thoughts on some of these girls.

Taylor Swift

Not really the prototypical pop princess, especially since she started in country with a song called Tim McGraw (“Wait, does Tim McGraw have a new song out called Taylor Swift?”). Still, she might be the worst of them all because she’s kind of a hypocrite. She released a song called “You Belong With Me”. In this song she says, “She wears short skirts/I wear t-shirts/she’s cheer captain and I’m in the bleachers.” Yeah, you know what’s better than being a cheer captain? Being a frickin’ 20-year-old girl who’s won the Grammy for Best Album. And the gown you wore to said Grammys was probably just a tad bit hotter than the short skirts you’re bitching about.

And funniest of all, the video for this song won Best Female Video at the MTV Video Music and Irony Awards. Kanye West then stormed up on stage and bitched because Beyonce hadn’t won the award. Because of a song about you in a feud with someone who was more glamorous than you, you inadvertently wound up in a feud with Kanye West. I don’t know if ironic quite fits here, but I find it funny.

Britney Spears

Ah, the godmother. Actually Madonna or Tiffany or Debbie Gibson are the godmothers, but they’re ancient news. I swear to God the first time I heard “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I thought the chick was black. Then I saw the video (Catholic School Girl outfit…yummy) and referred to her as White Girl for quite some time.

It’s too bad she went absolutely insane.

Ke$ha

Ke$ha’s insane. As evidenced by the fact that she’s got a goddamn dollar sign in her name. Also, she did performance art in a neon outfit and backlight on Saturday Night Live. She also went on someone’s New Year’s Eve special and said her New Year’s resolution was to not be a douchebag. This is noticeable because she may well be the most well-known female douchebag on the planet.

I have no idea why I wrote an idea for a blog post titled “Ke$ha is insane,” but it’s true. Britney went insane because she was in the public eye 24/7 and couldn’t handle it. Ke$ha brought her insanity to the table from day 1.

Seriously, she’s fucking terrifying.

Rebecca Black

Rebecca Black is not a pop princess. She created the worst song in the history of mankind because her daddy has money and could pay for someone to record a song and video for her. Daddy should’ve bought her a writer and a voice. Somehow this video got 60 million hits on YouTube. 60 million. Sixty fucking million. I can’t even fathom that.

Literally as soon as I saw the video I wanted everyone involved with it to catch the Ebola virus. I also had the unfortunate occurrence of watching this video right before I went to bed, which meant that falling asleep was impossible. When I woke up I went straight to the person who posted it on her Facebook page and murdered her. And now I’m writing this from jail.

She said she wanted to do a duet with Justin Bieber. Until that point I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel sympathetic toward Justin Bieber.

Miley Cyrus

I have one song I like by Miley Cyrus. Unfortunately I told my friends I like one of her songs by Miley Cyrus and now I’m cursed. Party in the USA bitches!

Here’s the thing. I had a great idea for Miley. See, in an effort to stay relevant, Playboy has frequently offered the next big thing massive money to pose nude. They always say no, which is just plain stupid. Then, when the hit the bricks the girls go back to Playboy and say, “Hey, I’m ready to pose,” to which Hugh Hefner says, “Um, yeah, no thanks.” This is stupid too, because Playboy’s lucky to be in business and an issue with Britney Spears would be huge.

I say the women need to take the power back. On her 18th birthday, Miley Cyrus should’ve been at Playboy HQ dropping trou for a $10 million payday. The simple fact remains that she’s gonna get coked out of her gourd, lose her talent, probably lose her money – although you never know with that – and then when she’s a shell of herself she’ll be offering to do Playboy for a lot less money and when a lot fewer people are interested.

Playboy needs to become relevant, and these girls need to get to a point where paparazzi stop trying to snap shots of them when they’re not wearing underwear (by the way ladies, very cool…I wholeheartedly approve). That shit gets boring when you can pull up a legitimate photo spread online whenever you want.

I know, I know, I’m freaking brilliant. You can thank me when Rebecca Black turns 18.