A while back – almost 2 years ago now, in fact – I wrote a post entitled “Fuck Canada”. Well, I was forced to go there for business, and it’s so much worse when you’re forced to go there.
First off, they talk funny. I can deal with an accent. That’s normal…some of them are even hot. The Canadian “accent” isn’t hot, it’s just weird. You’ll be sitting there, having a perfectly normal conversation, and then all of a sudden you hear one of them say words like “about” or “sorry” or “adult”, and you immediately start to laugh. You can’t help yourself, you don’t mean to, you know it’s rude, but you can’t help but laugh.
Then there’s the money. When I started living in Detroit, the city’s casinos had just opened, so the casino in Windsor across the river was struggling for business. One of the advertising gimmicks they had was a billboard on I-75 that listed the Canadian exchange rate. I believe it once got up to $1.53 in Canadian money for every $1 in U.S. currency. Good times. I called it my daily “Laugh at Canada” billboard.
Yeah, well, who gets the last laugh? The fucking Canucks. Because while the global economy has been tanking somehow Canada’s has been somewhat stable. So now, $1 in the U.S. is worth about $1.01 in Canada.
Here’s the thing though. The prices haven’t changed. A quesadila and a pop? $20. A burger and a pop? $21. An omelet and a pop? $19. Of course, this is a business trip, so the price of food shouldn’t matter, right? Wrong. See, I work for a profoundly cheap organization and I’m given a $25 daily allowance for food, so by the time lunch rolls around I’m paying my own way. Awesome.
And beer? A 20 oz. Stella Artois was $5.50…during “Socialization Hour” (apparently they can’t refer to it as Happy Hour, which makes sense because paying $5.50 for a discounted beer didn’t make me particularly happy). On the plus side, Canadian beer does knock you on your ass after about 3 drinks, so they do have that going for them.
After a day of this crap I finally asked the friendly bartender was so freaking expensive. “Oh, well the taxes.” Wait a second, I’m here to do work on taxes, I know that you guys charge 15% on your taxes above and beyond the $5.50 I paid for the beer, so that excuse is crap. “Oh, no,” she says, “Things like income taxes. We’ve got full medical coverage here…if I have a baby here I don’t pay a penny.” Well, good to know that my money is an insurance policy if your boyfriend can’t figure out to pull out on time. Also, I’m not entirely certain, but I think that if you need an organ transplant under Canada’s awesome you’re better off finding a donor yourself. And since I’m paying for your medical insurance, do I still have to tip you?
And here’s my biggest issue – the women.
A favorite radio show host of mine once brought up the theory of “athlete hot”. Every time the Olympics rolls around every men’s magazine does a “Women of the Olympics” issue. Thing is, it’s typically the same 5 or 6 women doing the photo shoots. This is because even though the Olympics is pretty much equally co-ed these days and there are thousands and thousands of athletes who participate in the Olympics, there are only 5 or 6 women involved who men would want to see naked.
There’s this idea that girls stop learning the minute they realize they’re pretty and their looks will get them what they need. It’s largely bullshit but it’s no secret that people who can get by on their looks will. So this particular radio host suggested that fathers who had relatively attractive daughters (who also may qualify as athletic) should hit their daughters in the face with a shovel. The idea was that the girl would be “off” just enough that they wouldn’t be able to get by on their looks and they’d dedicate themselves to something like sports.
(Think about that next time you look at the “Women of the Olympics” issue of Playboy.)
Now, you may ask why I just spent 2 paragraphs discussing athlete hotness. To that I say, how dare you question my ability to bring a tangent back on point. Of course the higher likelihood is that you’ve stopped reading at this point.
Ok, back on point. Canadian women are all “athlete hot”. It’s like all of them were hit with a shovel within the womb. There’s something off about all of them. Even the hot Canadian women have something wrong with them. Pamela Anderson? Best known for blowing Tommy Lee, then getting beaten up by Tommy Lee, then blowing Tommy Lee, then having a roast where Courtney Love redefined the term “train wreck”. Sandra Bullock? Ok, she’s more cute than hot. Also, didn’t deserve her Oscar, but, whatever. Elisha Cuthbert? Half of you don’t know who that is, half of you know her as the annoying daughter who lasted the entire run of 24 despite the fact that everyone wanted her dead in the series premiere, and half of you know her as the guy Sean Avery was talking about when he called out another player for taking his sloppy seconds.
(Can you believe the guy got suspeneded for that?)
So, to recap, talk funny, everything’s too expensive, and the women are weird looking. Remind me again why I leave home?
Oh right, because my boss makes me. Bummer.