Author Archives: sparty99

Pop Princesses

Anyone who knows me knows that while I have fairly decent taste in music, I’ve also got an odd affinity for the pop princesses. There was a time when I had everything by Britney, listened to Christina Aguilera and wanted to bang the shit out of Jessica Simpson (in fact, I still want to bang […]

Playoff Time

Well, this is a bit late, but I wanted to mimic Deadspin’s somewhat traditional “Haters Guide to the Playoffs” and give you my reasons why I hate every team in the playoffs, both NBA and NHL (except one, obviously). Off we go. NHL Eastern Conference 1. Washington Capitals: Alexander Ovechkin is ugly. Plus Pavel Datsyuk […]

Just Say No

A little departure today from my normal tales of things I’ve been personally involved with and a bit of a philosophical tale (or something, what do I know). It’s widely believed (if it hasn’t been proven, I don’t know, and I don’t care enough to Google it) that the CIA funneled crack into inner-cities as […]

The Date from Hell

Look, I like naked women. I’m a man, I’m supposed to like them. We’re born like that. We like naked women as soon as we’re pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal we’re already enjoying the view. Look it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche: we like naked women, stockings, […]


A few years back, a girl I was dating decided she wanted to take a trip. Or, rather, she decided she was jealous because I got to take all these cool business trips (that she told me as we were instant messaging each other while I was sitting in a hotel room in California should’ve […]

Some Little-Known History

I was home over the holiday with my mom, my brother, and my then-girlfriend, when we came upon Rocky IV playing. I immediately reacted with great pleasure, as it is easily the most entertaining movie of all time. My mom reacted with horror, proclaiming that there would be no Rocky movies airing in her home. […]

I have a Jersey Shore problem

I’m 33-years old. Not only did I graduate from a Big 10 university (not a particularly good one), I have a masters degree. I’ve got a decent paying job. To put it bluntly, I’m not retarded. So why am I hooked on the Jersey Shore? Everyone knows the concept. There are 8 characters who in […]

Listen up waitresses

Have you ever been to a strip club and heard the dancers talking to each other about their kids? I have. That’s exactly what I want to hear about as I’m paying you to get naked: things that came out of your vagina. What’s my point? When it comes to people who work for tips, […]

I have seen my future…

…and good lord it is not pretty. I met up with some friends last night to watch the Michigan State-Notre Dame game at a bar named Gator Jakes. We had a good time, the game was piping through the speakers, all was well. Until halftime. At that point they decided to kill the game audio […]

Down goes Kwame!

This post brought to you by the Friends of Kwame Legal Defense Fund. During his second term as president, Bill Clinton was impeached for getting a blow job. Oh, sure, technically he was impeached for committing perjury, but anyone with half a brain will tell you that he was impeached for getting a blow job. […]